Garth Sumpter
Less of a man and more of a mystery. Our roving editor's private life is shrouded in a cloak of darkness that's blacker than Jet. Where does he go? What does he do? And when he does it can he remember why he did it? We think not. Having to work with the man whose legendary attention span is shorter than an ants is dread. Don't believe us? Next time you go on a picnic don't be too surprised if you suddenly find a colony of Garth's legging it off with your jam and banana sandwiches.

Steve Keen
Steve Keen is not well known as a man but is highly noted as a pair of trousers with a hormonal problem. Always a bit of lad, he first eloped with his nursey nurse at the tender age of fourteen and only returned home when his mother threatened to burn his back copies of Kerrang! Known as the nomad of rock, Steve's trousers can often be found at three in the morning staggering home under their own steam muttering something about female Spanish taxi drivers. Steve Keen is 23, he loves children and his ambition is to help animals (and female Spanish taxi drivers.)

Andrea Walker
What can be said about this woman that hasn't been taken down and used in evidence? Known as the Arty One by us mere mortals on the mag, Andrea has the reputation for short, sharp, shocks. Normally she achieves this by connecting copper electrodes to Garth's happy sack and then plugging him into the national grid. On holiday at the time of writing, we've got a surprise present with which to welcome her back to the fold. The SU office has moved ...

Yvette Nichols
Miss New Zealand ("I am NOT an Australian!") has been keeping herself to herself lately. Mainly because Steve has superglued her to her drawing board. When she eventually tears herself away from her work (tee hee!), Yvette finds relaxation and peace settling down with a bottle of wine and her pet donkey Old Faithful. Old Faithful is 104, smelly, incontinent and finds it impossible to stay awake for more that 20 minutes at a time. Yvette says its like a Garth of your very own ...

Jerry Hall
It's completely amazing isn't it. Our sylph like and beautiful Jerry Hall gave up the high life with Mick Jagger in order to take over the reins as SU Advertising Supremo month's ago and the first time we get enough space to put a photograph of her in, that jealous old Yvette has gone and substituted it for this picture of a dilapidated old croc who we once found asleep on the office doorstep. All we can say is that we'll get a proper picture of Jerry to you soon ...